Tied Up in Knots? The Minimalist’s Guide to Inner Peace

http://zenhabits.net/peace/


‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’ ~Victor Frankl

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Gail Brenner, Ph.D. of A Flourishing Life.

Are you ready to be a warrior for inner peace? Doing less and organizing more simplifies for sure. But until you deal with the ways you get knotted up inside, your life will be complicated, and the glory of inner peace will elude you.
Inner peace is revealed when the inner war ends. We stop looking outside ourselves for solutions to our problems and, instead, turn our attention inward to make peace with our own experience. This simple movement of attention is revolutionary. It heals, calms, and clarifies like nothing else.

From Darkness to Light
We are experts at denying our experience. Take any habit that doesn’t serve you – compulsively shopping or staying busy, self-judgment, jealousy. If you trace it back to its root, you will find an expectation or feeling you have been avoiding.
These hidden aspects of ourselves thrive when we ignore them, leaving fear, desire, and lack to unconsciously drive our behavior. Once they are illuminated by becoming aware, we see how they operate, and we can make a different choice. No more conflict. No more confusion. Finally, peace.
Unearthing our inner experiences is like treasure hunting. Each one is a breadcrumb leading us out of the wilderness of discontent and into the light of a simple, conscious, lovely way of being. Suffering ends and freedom begins, leaving us available to happiness, wonder, enjoyment, and creativity.

The How-To
Exploring your triggers takes courage and openness. Prepare yourself for the journey by being willing:
To be honest
To feel pain but not wallow in it
To let go of the old and change
To contemplate a new kind of inner life not beset by distress and disturbance
To be happy and peaceful

Now, begin to explore. Showing up as a loving presence to yourself is one of the most sane and compassionate things you could ever do.

1. When you are triggered, rather than playing it out in the usual way, stop and breathe.

2. Simply notice the thought patterns, feelings, and bodily sensations that are present. Don’t freak out – just be curious. What are you thinking? What is the energy behind the thoughts? What feelings and physical sensations are present? These questions allow you to become familiar with how your habits work so they no longer control you.

3. Find the most loving place inside you – the soft spot that melts when you encounter puppies, babies, or those most dear to you. Pour this love into the tension and painful feelings. This is the healing balm that untangles the knot.

4. Rinse and repeat every time you are struggling.

5. Move forward in a way that supports your clarity, happiness, and well being.

Example #1: Holding a Grudge
Say that you have been carrying around a grudge for a decade or two. To keep this grudge alive, you must be telling yourself a story about what should and shouldn’t have happened. You feel churned up inside, and your reaction is activated every time you face a person or situation that triggers the memories. This is no way to live.
Your thoughts about what happened are keeping you stuck. Release yourself by letting go of the story and feeling right into the pain. Break it down into its elements – thoughts and physical sensations. This is the experience that’s been plaguing you all along. Love those tender feelings, then go forth with fresh eyes.
This process doesn’t condone what happened, and it has nothing to do with the other person. It’s a choice you make for your peace and happiness.

Example #2: Relationship Problems
How many of us blame the other person for struggles in our relationships? We get caught in the trap of “if only” – if only the other would change, then I will feel more peaceful. This mindset will never solve the problem because you are making your peace dependent on something you can’t control – what other people say and do.
If your relationships bring you stress, make peace with your own reactions. Turn your attention inward to lovingly meet the frustration, disappointment, or fear that is triggered in you. Even though you may not like what you realize, when you accept things as they are, you are at peace. And seeing your role in the problem unlocks the possibility of experimenting with new and compassionate solutions.

Example #3: Habits and Addictions
Maybe you engage in a compulsive pattern that involves your actions, thoughts, or feelings. All challenging habits mask an unexplored emotion, usually fear or sadness.
Do you want to bring ease to your inner world? Stop, breathe, and move your kind attention into the feeling you’ve been avoiding. Love it every time it arises. Then follow Leo’s advice on changing habits, and you are well on your way to freeing yourself.
Can you see the value of becoming aware? Any inner knot can be untangled when you pay attention to it. Start with whatever is troubling you right now, and know that every moment of awareness simplifies.
The process of becoming aware is not a panacea that instantly cures all your ills. But you will notice some changes – space, ease, and, a depth of peace you never knew was possible.

Gail Brenner, Ph.D. is a psychologist who blogs at A Flourishing Life. Stay in touch by subscribing to her feed.

Fireworks3

Today, while having "long vacation" recuperating from chicken pox, did some re-organising, re-decorating, cleaned the altar and prayed at the altar.

After that I saw some marvellous fireworks. Saddhu to me again!
It was timely, as the past few days, I've been feeling "guilty" that this house belongs to mom and that I don't "deserve" it. But reflecting on the principles of Buddhism, can the house belong to you? You cannot bring it with you when you die. Your kamma is your real inheritance. SOMETHING YOU DID GIVE YOUR MOM.

Reflecting on the fireworks again. It's like re-phrasing Ajahn Brahm's concert analogy.
A person's life is like fireworks, some fireworks are long, some are short. Some are really magnificent, some less grand, but in any case, beautiful nevertheless. Just like there are different stages and patterns in a fireworks, same also in a person's life. You live in the moment, you don't dwell on the preceding fireworks but you are present and enjoying the current one. At the end of the fireworks, you clap and celebrate that you had the opportunity to see it, not lament that it's over.

Fireworks2

After Tom's funeral, I saw fireworks again. It's like a sign saying to me, a job well done. Saddhu!

Smile, breathe, and go slowly

Life can be ridiculously complicated, if you let it. I suggest we simplify.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s quote, which I’ve stolen as this site’s subtitle, is the shortest guide to life you’ll ever need:
“Smile, breath, and go slowly.”
If you live your life by those five words, you’ll do pretty well. For those who need a little more guidance, I’ve distilled the lessons I’ve learned (so far) into a few guidelines, or reminders, really.
And as always, these rules are meant to be broken. Life wouldn’t be any fun if they weren’t.

the brief guide
less TV, more reading
less shopping, more outdoors
less clutter, more space
less rush, more slowness
less consuming, more creating
less junk, more real food
less busywork, more impact
less driving, more walking
less noise, more solitude
less focus on the future, more on the present
less work, more play
less worry, more smiles
breathe

10 Secrets for Instant Self Confidence

1. Smile
You don’t just smile because you are happy and confident – you can smile to make yourself feel better. The act of smiling is so strongly associated with positive feelings that it’s almost impossible to feel bad while smiling.

2. Make eye contact
Like smiling, eye contact shows people that you’re confident. Staring at your shoes or at the table reinforces your feelings of self-doubt and shyness.

3. Change your inner voice
Most of us have a critical inner voice that tells us we’re stupid, not good enough, that we’re too fat, thin, loud, quiet… Being able to change that inner voice is key to feeling self-confident on the inside, which will help you project your confidence to the world. Make your inner voice a supportive friend who knows you fully but also recognizes your talents and gifts, and wants you to make the best of yourself.
You still want to be able to hear the message, so don’t make it so chilled and laid back that you never take any notice of it. You can even choose 2, 3 or as many voices as you want for different occasions. Your voice should always support you, always be helpful, never aggressive and it never puts you down.

4. Forget other people’s standards
Other people have different values from you, and however hard you try, you’ll never please everyone all of the time.

5. Make the most of your appearance
Even if you’ve only got a minute or two, duck into the bathroom to make sure you’re looking your best. Brushing your hair, giving your face a good wash, retouching your makeup, straightening your collar, checking you’ve not got a bit of parsley stuck between your teeth … all of these can make the difference between feeling confident in your physical appearance and feeling anxious about an imagined flaw.

6. Pray or meditate briefly
This helps you to take a step back from your immediate situation, to see the wider picture and to seek help from something or someone greater than yourself.

7. Reframe
If something unexpected happens, it’s easy to let it knock your fledgling self-confidence. Perhaps you spill your drink on someone, you arrive late for the big meeting because of traffic problems, or someone who you wanted to speak to gives you a cold brush-off. Try to “reframe” the situation; put it in the best possible light: often, events are only negative because of the meaning we attach to them.

8. Find the next step
Keep your self-confidence up by taking gradual steps forwards, rather than freezing when faced with what seems like a giant leap. If you’re not sure what to do, look for one simple step that you can take to make progress. That might mean making eye contact at a party, introducing yourself to a stranger, breaking the ice in a meeting, or asking a question of your interviewers that shows your knowledge of their industry and company.
Start taking action even if you don’t have a clear idea of what needs to be done. Start moving towards your goal. Make corrections later.

9. Speak slowly
An easy tip for both seeming and being more self-confident is to speak slowly. If you gabble, you’ll end up feeling worse as you know you’re being unclear to your audience or to the person you’re in a conversation with. Speaking slowly gives you the chance to think about what you’re going to say next. If you’re giving a talk or presentation, pause at the end of phrases and sentences to help your audience take in what you’ve said.
A person in authority, with authority, speaks slowly. It shows confidence. A person who feels that he isn’t worth listening to will speak quickly, because he doesn’t want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to.

10. Contribute something
Have you ever sat through an entire class at college or meeting at work without saying a word? Have you had an evening out where friends chatted happily while you sat and stared silently at your drink? Chances are, you weren’t feeling very self-confident at the time – and you probably felt even worse afterwards. Whatever the situation you’re in, make an effort to contribute. Even if you don’t think you have much to say, your thoughts and perspective are valuable to those around you.
By making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.

Fireworks

Today was a beautiful day.

Today is the day that we went to collect mom's ashes. It's as if everything was planned perfectly. Only after we finished scattering the ashes into the sea, then only it rained. And coincidentally, they set up tents along gurney drive for some carnival with stalls... some celebration.....
how appropriate, my mom has always enjoyed such gaiety and festivities.

In the evening, Eng Hoe's family invited me to join them for dinner. Such a warm family.

Back to the tents along Gurney Drive, at night, one of the bands was playing one of my favourite Beyond songs, Zhen De Ai Ni (aka song for mother), the title meaning I Really Love You. And right after that, there was the most beautiful fireworks i've ever seen.

I'd like to take it as a sign, as if to remind me that the times that I had with my mom were beautiful like the fireworks too. And like the fireworks, it's beautiful while it lasts and all good things must come to an end. And like fireworks, it's a symbol for celebration for a wonderful show and a celebration for new beginnings.
Hahah I am sounding poetic like Thich Nhat Hanh :)

Robin Sharma: Morning Domination

http://www.newhustle.net/tag/robin-sharma/

My mornings usually go something like this (mentally): ‘Alarm? Need more sleep … oh yeah, it’s Monday … work … bills … so much to do today …. work … bills … [insert errands here] … coffee please?’

Most of us then proceed to go through our routine until we’re somewhat coherent enough to feel the weight of reality set in on our shoulders after our peaceful slumber.

From this point on, we’re either dreading the day before us or anticipating the day ahead … it’s all about perspective. Our minds are conditioned to view each day as a potential disaster, or a masterpiece to be created – it all depends on how well we’ve reigned in our ability to control our thoughts. To dominate our mornings, we have to be in control – or the day will dominate us.

What the experts say


But after a while I couldn’t ignore the high correlation between success and rising early, even in my own life. On those rare occasions where I did get up early, I noticed that my productivity was almost always higher, not just in the morning but all throughout the day. ~Steve Pavlina

Not everyone is an early riser, and in my attempts to do so I’ve been met with sub-par success so far – but I’m still trying. Nonetheless, I always try to make sure I get in a good workout before my workday – and if I don’t I still feel the drag of sleep long in to the morning.

Robin Sharma promotes the idea of giving ourselves a ‘holy-hour’ in the morning. Waking up an hour earlier than we’re accustomed to to devote time to the self – this makes sense, it’s just hard to get our bodies (and minds) accustomed to doing.

During my Holy Hour, I journal, I read inspirational books, I review my goals and plans and I simply make the time to think. Because clarity precedes mastery and the more clear you can get on what you want to create in life, the more focused you will be in your daily behaviors. Every day can be a platform to get you closer to your mountaintop. And yet, too many people live life by accident. ~Robin Sharma

I can attest to this, when I’m successful at doing so. The hard part is convincing myself while I lay in my comfortable bed that I would benefit from waking up at 5:00am. I used to get discouraged when I didn’t – but that just sets ourselves up for a discouraging day, which brings me to my next point.

What matters most
Whether a morning person or not, the most important thing to do when we first wake up is to start thinking positively. Difficult as it may be, it is possible. It’s all about our attitude towards the day ahead.

Simply put – would you rather own your day, or let your day own you? Would you rather let life have it’s way, or create the life you want to live? Or as Robin Sharma puts it – don’t live your life by accident.

At this realization things became more clear to me – if I want to get where I want to go I need to ensure that the start of my day is nothing more than extraordinary – even if I feel like I’m lying to myself to get to there.

My perfect morning (Monday through Friday)
Ideally, in the present, this is how my perfect morning would go:
5:00am: Up at the first alarm, eat something (snoozing is evil, what good is 5 extra minutes really?)
5:00-5:30: Cardio workout (the best way to awaken my senses is to work them)
5:30-6:30: ‘Holy-hour’ – day planning, reading, reflecting, etc.
6:30-7:00: Personal Training w/clients
7:00-7:30: Weight training for myself
8:00: Enter my 8-5 grind with the satisfaction of morning domination.

Of course it doesn’t go like this every day, but I’ll keep trying until it does. As stated previously, if you beat yourself up for not waking up or doing the things you wanted to do, you’re setting the tone for the rest of your day. As hard as you can, think positively – envision the great day ahead and be grateful that you’re still breathing – that you can still experience life to the fullest.

I’m a work in progress, we all are. Slowly but surely I’ll dominate each and every morning – setting myself up for content, productive and fulfilling days – and as each day goes on like this I’m one day closer to my ideal life:

Big idea: Your days are your life in miniature. As you live your days, so you craft your life. What you do today is actually creating your future. The words you speak, the thoughts you think, the food you eat and the actions you take are defining your destiny – shaping who you are becoming and what your life will stand for. There’s no such thing as an unimportant day. ~Robin Sharma